I missed International Overdose Awareness Day on August 31st. I knew it was happening but I didn’t know what to say.
Today, Georgina, my good friend, Nicole’s mom, wrote this poem to honour her late daughter, whom passed September 5, 2021 at the age of 38.
“I lie in your bathtub
Trying to conjure up the girl who so loved to bathe
The girl, who in another life, must surely been once a mermaid
But that girl no longer exists
She’s been washed away.”
~Georgina
I cannot understand the deep heart-wrenching chasm one experiences at the loss of their child, but I do understand the loss of a friend. I don’t think it’s any secret that I hold a lot of anger towards the medical system here in BC (British Columbia), Canada, surrounding the treatment of those experiencing mental health and addiction issues.
Nicole should not be dead. Nicole should not have accumulated more trauma from her treatment in Western Medicine than she already had from the struggles themselves. Housing for mental health and addictions should be a safe space, which means it should not be a place anybody would want to run away from (consequently overdosing; being washed away into a mere statistic in BC’s opioid crisis). An environment that uses seclusion (isolation) and forced medications; medications that can have dire side effects such as stroke, suicidal thoughts, and death; is punitive, not healing. The current model of treatment is like prison, only the crime is being unwell (according to society’s standards). The diagnoses we receive become a life sentence.
I… I am angry. But I know that anger isn’t going to help. I know that it’s love and compassion that truly have the power to shift the course of humanity on this planet.
This is a huge week in my recovery.
✨ On Sunday, September 1st, I reached two years off of antipsychotic medication.
✨ Tomorrow (Wednesday, September 4th) I’ll have one year of no casual sex. 🥳 Damn, it feels good to finally honour my body and know that the next person I let touch me in that way will truly be worthy of my inherent passion.
✨ On Friday, September 6, I will reach one year without mood stabilizer medication.
I feel like I’m going against all odds. A lot of people still don’t believe that someone with mental illness can heal. I do understand the argument that bipolar disorder is cyclical which means there may be periods of wellness and then relapses. However I don’t believe for one iota that if I have a mental health relapse it’s because my brain chemistry suddenly flew off the rails for no reason. If a relapse is to happen, it’s because something happens in my life that I’m unable to cope with. We can see evidence of this by the rise of depression, substance misuse, and anxiety when covid hit. Mental health issues can stem from much more than brain chemistry.
Sadly, with the way the system is currently set up, they’re right; we can’t heal. The present way of doing things is not working. Unfortunately, this issue goes far beyond mental health care. Our whole society is unwell. We can see that by the rise of allergies, autoimmune disorders, addiction and mental illness. How many people do you know right now who aren’t going through some kind of health issue? Our current way of life is not designed to nurture us.
My healing journey has been incredibly painful and lonely yet I’m learning how to emotionally regulate and self soothe. I’m learning how to set boundaries and how to communicate. I’m learning how to hold myself when I cry; knowing and trusting that I’ll also reach for external support if and when I need to.
People who’ve known me for years, including my parents, are having the joy of witnessing my growth as I turn away from psych meds, drugs, alcohol (and other harmful vices), choosing instead to place my time and focus on nutrition, exercise, prioritizing rest and sleep, as well as connecting with myself, my higher power, Saba, nature, and other people, as humans are a communal species; we need each other. We’re not meant to do life alone. I never thought I’d be where I am and sadly, many others didn’t either.
I’m devastated that Nicole and so many don’t have this same opportunity. I’m angry because I feel traumatized by the treatments I’ve received. So many days I want to stop advocating, especially when people get triggered and project that pain onto me. But I’m grateful too. I’m grateful to be alive. I’m grateful for the challenges that arise as that’s where the lessons are that I need to learn. I’m grateful that my mind spun me into a world where there was hope. I understand why I choose to keep one foot in Wonderland. I don’t want to let go of the belief that things are going to change for the better; and not just for me but for all of us. ❤️
Art: “The Companion” by Amy Frank (2016)
This was an original I gifted to Nicole with a tagline I made up:
“Alone we are a myth, together we exist.”
When we believe in each other we can do things that we may have never believed possible on our own. 🫂
Rest In Peace, Nikki. You did not die in vain, my love. None of you have. You’re gone but not forgotten.
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