It Takes Two

As many know, I have a hysterectomy coming up at the end of this month. This is a big surgery for me. Not only is a deeply intimate part of my body being removed, there’s a lot of trauma tied into this surgery. I have carried pain in my womb, uterus, and pelvic muscles for a long time.

The first time I had sex, I was 15. I was raped at a party. My past, as many know, has included periods of homelessness as well as significant struggles with substance misuse and addiction. A lot of sexual trauma accumulated over those years.

My therapist recently told me about an interesting phenomenon called “parasocial relationships”. It’s incredibly common in the age of social media. It’s characterized by someone beginning to believe they truly know a celebrity or public figure because of their work or online presence. The person may develop an intense attachment or fixation with said celebrity/public figure, however it’s a one-way relationship.

I know my shares are deeply personal and vulnerable. My rawness is a rarity. I acknowledge with a laden ache that our society has wrongly denied men the authentic expression of their full range of human emotions. I understand how easy it can be to mistake openness, compassion, and empathy for personal intimacy, however vulnerability doesn’t mean consent. I know loneliness is rampant in our society right now, especially for men. I have firsthand experience in how easily one can create a persona around someone’s physical appearance and what we know of them; however I also know that it isn’t real. Someone cannot be the love of your life if they don’t feel the same way or aren’t interested in trying to. All relationships take two.

This is for the single men out there. I am flattered that some of you find me attractive and make the effort to ask me out. I think it takes courage to ask someone out on a date. Courage is an admirable trait. However, if being turned down is going to result in you insulting, belittling, verbally attacking, threatening, guilt tripping, or trying to manipulate me in any way or form, then please do us both a favour and stay away from me.  I mean this with the utmost compassion: Go to therapy. Get help.

Rejection wounds are deeply ingrained in one’s childhood and developmental years. They have nothing to do with me—or with women like me. Mental illness, trauma, and addiction are not excuses for poor behaviour. It doesn’t matter if someone works as a doctor, lawyer, teacher, politician, construction worker, police officer, or anything in between—All of our emotions are valid, however not all of our actions and behaviours are (this goes for all genders and sexes).

My kindness and compassion are not cushions for others to offload their pain into. I, and all of us, have a right to say ‘no’. If you are interested in asking me or any woman out on a date then please don’t mask romantic intentions behind the guise of friendship, especially if you already feel a romantic attraction. Be honest and direct with your intentions. If I, or any woman you approach, says ‘no’ to a date or friendship; then please gracefully bow out, and prove that respectful, honourable men still exist—men whom embody safety and protection, rather than being the reason we need it.

Things happened in my life that weren’t okay; they shouldn’t have happened. I know I’m not alone in that; that a lot of people feel—truly feel—my posts. I am no longer a victim. I am reclaiming my voice, body, and power. This next chapter and all those that follow are mine to write with authenticity, clarity, and boundaries that honour both myself and others. To those who honour my boundaries and treat me with respect—it doesn’t go unnoticed, even if I’m not interested in dating or engaging in a friendship with you. I see you. Thank you for that.