This has been a year of learning a lot about myself. I'm not sure if I've really touched upon how I’m doing emotionally since feeling deceived a month and a half ago.
I am doing better. The massive waves have passed, as I did face them. I didn’t numb. I didn’t run. I felt and continue to feel what I need to feel. At times, I still feel hurt, however as the weeks wear on I can see more clearly the things I previously chose to be blind to.
It was a huge rollercoaster of emotion to ride within my first month of being off mood stabilizers. It was an interesting experience to journal about however, as the thoughts and emotions were no different nor any less intense than every other storm of anger and pain I’ve faced before, yet how I chose to deal with them was.
I find dating hard, as in life, I do see every person as my equal, yet I don’t have this same view in romance. In dating, I have certain values and characteristics I’m looking for, as well as the ability and desire to have an emotionally intimate and vulnerable connection which does take the reciprocity of two to kindle. It’s a challenging line to walk as I do want to give out love to all those I meet but that doesn’t mean I’m going to give romantic love to all those in this world whom seek it from me. Nor does it mean that anyone I do take interest in romantically will feel the same in return.
I enjoy being a lone wolf. I find strength within solitude. I also have a lot of friends, connections, and my family. I do hope I can develop a healthy romantic relationship one day but if it never happens, that’s okay. I’m just going to keep working on being a better person, on building my art and advocacy career, on taking care of my feathered love, and nurturing the relationships I already have in my life.
I don’t know what the future holds but I like not knowing. It’s like looking at a blank page, realizing it can be anything that I, as the artist and author, wish to create. I have made many mistakes in this life but every day I get to start anew. I can’t right all of my wrongs but everyday, in every new situation, I get to choose once again how I will act.
Today I had a great conversation about learned behaviour. It was quite empowering as in my life right now I related it to what I’ve been learning about attachment styles. Although our earliest childhood connection with our primary caregiver(s) may have taught us how to act in a way that back then kept us safe and helped us express our needs (no matter how unhealthy this expression was), we can actually learn new ways to behave. With self awareness, if the ways we’ve been reacting/acting is detrimental in our current relationships (be it romance, friendship, family, work etc.), it doesn’t have to continue.
Over and over I reiterate: I can’t change others, I can only change myself. I’m open to constructive criticism. I’m doing the work so I can be aware of when emotions cause my thoughts to react (or vice versa), how to catch this, override it, and choose to act in a way that aligns with my values. It is no easy task. I will learn again and again to do better through messing up. I am frequently reminded that yes, I have an intense fire burning deep within my core and others can sense that. It’s great for channeling into art and writing, but a huge part of my life journey now is learning how to truly take command of this powerful force. For me, it begins with cultivating my own sense of inner calm. I truly believe the peace so many of us seek starts within.
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