Inspired by these quotes by Kasturi M. @heymisstherapist (Instagram)
I’m not a relationship expert, however I thought these were interesting. Kasturi’s post is about romantic relationships, however these can extend into other relationships as well.
Our relationships with other people are amongst the most stressful and wonderful experiences we have in life, which is why I feel it’s important to learn things such as interpersonal skills and how to emotionally regulate.
In quote 3, about giving and receiving constructive criticism, I would add “without looking down on each other or *yourself.”
For some, receiving constructive criticism is like a personal attack (I used to react like this). I was already so hard on myself, I couldn’t handle it from anyone else. It’s hard to create a sense of safety if one or both people in the relationship are easily activated. Emotional triggers can be like bombs. If we don’t know how to defuse them, they risk being turned inward when activated, with the person attacking themselves; or outward, with the person lashing out at someone else. For most of my life, I did the former, which was seen in self harming behaviours such as addiction (how I tried to numb and run away from my feelings because I didn’t know how else to cope with them). This is why emotional regulation is so important in the creation of healthy relationships.
I probably wouldn’t have used “always” in the first quote, as although name calling and shaming are not acceptable (we can’t control how we feel, however we can control how we act on those feelings), we still may be disrespectful in other ways while emotionally triggered. We might raise our voice and later regret it, or withdraw emotionally.
The 6th one re: acknowledging when we mess up (and working to not repeat it in the future), is more important as we’re all going to mess up sometimes. That’s inevitable. Misunderstandings, mistakes, and conflict are a part of life. In healthy relationships, I think it’s more about the repair process than it is about not having these types of challenges in the relationship.
When I was in the throes of my mental health and addiction struggles, I unfortunately couldn’t change some of the things that were hard on the different men I was involved with. It isn’t that I didn’t want to, it was that I actually couldn’t. I wasn’t far enough along in my recovery to be able to.
Everyone is deserving of love, and no you don’t need to love yourself or be fully healed to be worthy of romantic love; however for me, my past relationships felt chaotic because I was so unwell and so were they—there was a lot of addiction and clashing of attachment styles, love languages, and needs. I didn’t know how to communicate and I certainly didn’t know how to self-soothe and emotionally regulate. It was like being on a constant rollercoaster of massive up and down emotions.
I, personally, won’t go back to that. I’m not here to tell anyone else what to do, but for me, I believe that I need to embody what I seek in love. I won’t get involved with someone who’s actively engaged in addiction of any kind (as addiction extends far beyond drugs and alcohol). However drugs (marijuana included), nicotine, and alcohol, even as casual using, are a flat out no from me. Yes, I want a healthy romantic relationship but I also love my single life. I’m happier single now than I’ve ever been in love. I choose to be alone. I choose to set the bar so high that only a great athlete can reach it (knowing that I, too, have to reach my own bar) as I don’t want just anyone touching my heart, mind, body, and soul in those ways again.
Re: the 4th one, the word “judge”. I just partook in a powerful conversation recently about how being non-judgemental is not realistic. Humans judge as a part of our inherent survival and safety. We’re constantly surveying what’s around us. Our brains analyze, categorize, and judge at great speeds, at an often unconscious level. This is a part of the human experience that we can’t eliminate, however we can try to be aware of our own judgements and biases.
I don’t think a healthy relationship requires perfection (if perfection means doing all these things perfectly). It’s more about self-awareness, the willingness to communicate, and the commitment to keep trying (if, indeed, both parties want to). I hear so many mixed messages as some people say “Well, relationships are hard”, implying that I’m idealistic and possibly delusional in my romantic views, where others say “They actually shouldn’t be that hard.”
I’m a firm believer that my romantic partner and I should be each other’s safe space, not a person that we want to escape from. My journals—Wonderland—are meant to be co-created. My partner and I are meant to be a team, standing back to back (at times), as we take on the world; dancing together through this crazy thing we call life.
Looks fade. We’ll all (hopefully) have the opportunity to age. Chemistry and physical attraction are important to me, as sexual intimacy is what separates a romantic relationship from a friendship, yet they’re not enough on their own. No one knows what the future holds; disaster and tragedy could strike at anytime—as could miracles, and things so glorious we can’t even imagine them yet.
Relationships are not meant to be as hard as the ones I’ve had, yet they do require work. They require mutual effort to tend to and care for so that they may grow. A healthy relationship is built on a foundation of shared values and a shared vision for the future. It’s meant to add value, not stress, to both people’s lives.
For those of you who read my blogs, I know I repeat this a lot: I can’t change others, however I can change me and I absolutely can choose who I get involved with. This is within my power. I don’t know what my future holds, yet I know I’m on the right path. After so many years of abusing my body, of speaking to myself with hatred and negativity; I finally know my worth. I am worthy of healthy love and all that is good in life; as are you. ❤️ And, I also know that I have to put in the work for that, as it’s a choice I make, not a given.
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