Eyes lock
yet I pull away my gaze
because I know the thoughts
inside of my head
and they’re not okay.
I feel like I’m starving
because I choose to abstain.
Seeing him makes me damp
and insane.
My desire telling me
that to taste him
will satisfy my hunger.
History stating,
that even if he slid his way
between my thighs
as we locked eyes;
even if we lost control
at the exact same time,
he won’t feel close enough.
I won’t be satisfied
because I can never get high enough.
Orgasms, drinks, lines —
I’ll walk away still starving,
no matter the feast
laid out before me,
consumed by my physical body,
because satisfaction
isn’t born
from these.
My values split apart —
Brain versus heart versus lust.
Seized by yearnings of the flesh
in opposition
to what I really want.
Every time I see him
I’m reminded that I’m an addict
while deep inside
my heart yearns
for so much more
than that.
I will not run.
I will face my shadow.
I will face my shame.
I will face my past.
I will face my pain.
I will face myself,
because I still believe
in romance.
Babies will die if they’re not held,
my love language is touch.
A sweet dog named Shadow
stopped to cuddle me
on my walk home
this morning.
Intuitively interrupting
my flow
as I wrote this poem
inside of my head
with each and every step
I took away
from him.
I believe in romantic love —
A connection of body and soul
that goes deeper than the mortal
flesh.
A touch that will provide
both sustenance
and nourishment.
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