As many people know, I have an incredibly strong and vivid imagination. I am definitely prone to living in a fantasy world and have been since I was a child. It’s great with the arts, as I rarely watch movies, TV, nor read books. I don’t have to as my mind already contains entire Universes that few will ever understand, let alone have the joy to explore and experience. These worlds are not inaccessible to the masses of course, but they do require braving the darkness and questioning what we’ve been taught. I try to bring these worlds back into this one via my art and writing. Because I’m a very spiritual person whom has had a history of psychosis, it’s important to do reality checks as I’m not writing a sci-fi or fantasy novel, I’m writing my real life biography. A reality check may include asking someone else if they can hear, see, smell, feel, or taste ________ (whatever it may be), or it might involve fishing for information that confirms reality versus delusion/fantasy.
When life shows me reality, exposing my make believe as just that, it’s important I trust the facts. The mind is such a powerful force, it actually has a hard time differentiating reality from fantasy. Our brains believe everything we tell them which is why it’s important to feed and fill oneself with love, kindness, compassion, and hope.
It’s extremely easy to create a persona of someone in one’s own mind that has little basis in reality. Unfortunately, this can also be done with people we’ve been involved with for many years, only to find out down the road that we actually had no idea who we were dating/married to/friends with.
It’s always going to be disappointing and painful when reality clashes with fantasy, but because I’m a spiritual person, I wouldn’t say that means to give up on believing that the right person, job (or whatever it is one seeks) exists. For me, it means that I need to bow my head, send out loving kindness (and in this case, a whole lotta healing and self-forgiveness), then continue on as I see roadblocks and barriers as life’s way to protect and redirect me.
Big changes are coming and it will always, always be better to be alone than poorly accompanied. One of the best things about healing is knowing that I won’t settle. I know my worth. I know my value. I know right from wrong. I trust my inner compass.
Although I see every life as my equal; in romance, it’s not so much. I hold myself to such an incredibly high standard. I value integrity, compassion, authenticity, and excellence. I don’t know what my future holds however I do know that I have free will. I get to make choices each and every day that will either help me, hinder me, or be neutral towards my growth. May I cut this tie for good now and continue moving forward. At this point, there’s no other direction for me than up. In this Year of the Wood Dragon, I’m absolutely loving this ominous positivity quote:
“Good things are coming. It’s too late to stop it now.”
~Unknown
Much love to you all. 🫂 I’ve got me!! 😃 (God, that feels so good. 🥰) The wee feathered one is watching over me too, ready to swoop down and catch me if I fall. ❤️ And to Nicole, I’m sorry the medical system let you down, like it has to so many, including those whom work within it. I’m sorry you died in the place that was supposed to be protecting you. I’m sorry so many of us have accumulated as much (if not more) trauma from the treatments we’ve received for our mental illness and addictions than we already had from the struggles themselves.
For you beautiful Nikki, for Calvin, for Adam, for Bre, for Garry, for Conrad, for Kenny and for so many more… Times they are a-changin’ my loves. Rest in peace. ❤️
Art As Therapy: “Shine” by Amy Frank (2020)
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