Hi Everyone,
Your thoughts and feedback on this blog are important to me. Your input can help shape not only the future of my Art and Advocacy but also how we as a community value the arts and support mental health care. This blog has been written with the hope to engage people in productive conversations.
In short, I wasn’t in the Paint-In as they turned down my application. I don’t know why after 9 years of applying and getting in that this year I was not accepted, however I have some guesses. My first is that I only had two new art pieces to apply at the time of the application as since exiting the hospital (psych ward) in 2021, I’ve been struggling with an art block. I’m still only creating Art as Therapy and have also been doing live sketches. I did explain that in my application. I submitted my bookmark as my third photo to show the value of the advocacy work I do. My second guess is that I candidly spoke of being on disability in my application, explaining how there’s been no money in the arts so my “business” is more about the advocacy. My planned display did talk a lot about sales as all my greeting cards, for example, have mental health advocacy on the back of them.
—
I’m in my 13th year of my Art and Advocacy business here in Victoria, BC, Canada. I’ve had a ton of exposure over the last 13 years. I’ve had my art and story featured in newspapers and magazines. I’ve had licensing contracts and I still have a contract with an American company which gives me a cheque of $50 USD approximately once every two years (considering I’m only getting pennies per image, I like to tell myself that’s still a lot of pennies!)
I’ve worked incredibly hard to be where I am today on my recovery journey from both mental illness and addiction. Today (July 21, 2024) I’m:
• 2 years off of marijuana
• Approximately 17 years off of hard drugs (mainly cocaine, but really anything I could get my hands on)
• 4+ years off of alcohol
• 22 months off of tobacco
• 18 months off of nicotine
• I’m coming up on a year free of casual sex
• I don’t over eat nor starve myself
• I don’t self-harm
• I don’t engage in over shopping
and I’m off of all psych meds:
• 22 months without antipsychotics
• 10 months and 2 weeks without mood stabilizers
I’m doing the best I’ve ever been and that transformation is being witnessed by my doctors: my psychiatrist of 23 years, a psychologist, and my family doctor; my parents and family; as well as others who’ve been a part of my lifelong journey thus far.
An important lesson I’ve learned in my recovery is that I need to feel everything I genuinely feel. I can’t run away from my feelings anymore (ie. turning to my addictions/vices/negative coping strategies). Seeing I have a diagnosis of bipolar disorder, it’s been vital for me to learn emotional regulation skills as everything I feel, I feel intensely. I don’t feel anything in halves. Emotional regulation for me involves prioritizing my health in ways such as:
• Daily exercise
• Meditation
• Eating nutritiously
• Making sure I sleep well (not too much nor too little)
• Connecting with friends, community, myself, Saba (my parrot), nature, as well as my higher power.
A huge part of my emotional regulation comes from the arts, in particular journaling and writing as they’ve always been a great way for me to express and honour my intense emotions, letting them speak in a safe way. It’s important that I allow myself to feel what I genuinely feel yet still choose to act in a way that aligns with my values (versus having knee jerk reactions that stem from my intense emotions).
Our feelings have a purpose, they’re incredible guides. Anger in particular is important as it shows us where we see injustices, mistreatment, or perhaps where we feel disrespected or not valued.
I feel frustrated and angered (albeit the anger has calmed down now the event is over) by my rejection to this year’s Paint-In because I don’t feel the work I do is valued by the Art Gallery of Greater Victoria. When I approached them about my solo show earlier this year, no one even acknowledged me.
My psychiatrist told me recently that I’m famous (I assume he means in the local community). If it’s coming from my psychiatrist, not my own brain, there must be some truth to it. I don’t see myself that way of course, I would never assume someone knows who I am, however I hand out bookmarks daily to random strangers I meet and the number of people who’ve already heard of my name and seen my art (but have no idea what I look like) has been uncanny. It’s definitely not most people, however it’s been enough to be shocking.
Since my solo show ended, and I received the rejection from the Paint-In, I’ve been racking my brain as to how do I proceed with my Art and Advocacy business. The lack of support is not only from the Art Gallery of Greater Victoria, it’s been hugely apparent in the mental health community as well. I want to acknowledge that yes, I gained support for my solo show from some of the local mental health and/or addictions organizations I approached and I’m truly grateful for that, however to garner that support, I had to shove sales info into the back hallway at my show. The repeated message I’ve received over the years when I’ve approached the mental health community for support is “No, because it’s self promotion.” I was still met by that same message by some of the places I approached.
My main income continues to be provincial disability. I live under the poverty line in Canada. There are mental health organizations in town that support people like me in gaining education and employment yet when it comes down to helping me grow my self-employment (aka my Art and Advocacy business) the support is suddenly no longer there. People frequently say: “Well, you could go back to school.” which gives me the clear message: the work I’m doing is not seen as valuable.
I don’t know how many artists in the community are candidly sharing their own story of using art in their mental health and addiction recovery to promote the public in positive conversations. I don’t know of any other local artists doing what I’m doing, however that doesn’t mean they’re not out there. I heard that the Paint-In had a new person organizing this year and that they wanted to return the emphasis of the event to be about demoing, not sales. That’s why I wonder if it was the sales aspect of my application that got me turned down. Again, I don’t know the answer, but I know that originally the Paint-In did not allow sales. When I hear that the Art Gallery is shifting the focus away from sales again, I feel frustrated as we as artists spend years honing our craft, and the work we do should be supported financially. It has value.
Art and Advocacy are my job but they’re not my income; they’re how I’ve stayed alive. I’d be creating no matter what so it’s nice that although I’m not earning money, I’m also not losing money. I’m breaking even. In the arts, that’s a success all on its own.
I pour my emotions into my art, poetry, and writing; I have since I was a youth. When I’ve approached the Art Gallery to have my work rented or sold through them, I’ve been continuously told that I’m not on trend.
I’m unable to commercialize my work. I removed the vast majority of my originals off the market earlier this year, before my solo show, as I realized during my art block that they’re all unique. Every piece was created at a specific time in my life; I can’t replicate them. Even if I attempted to re-draw something line for line, it’s going to come out different as I’m in different place in my life now.
With a commercial gallery, if I draw a porcupine and it sells, then they want me to continue producing porcupines; however I can’t work like that. If I draw a porcupine, that’s it, you get one porcupine or you get an extremely different porcupine. I don’t want to be a factory.
My art is a reflection of my life journey and although I realize it may not be seen as valuable at the moment, I’m young; I have full faith it’s only going to grow in value as I age, let alone after I pass. I do find it frustrating that the people who profit off of Van Gogh’s work today, are the same type who didn’t support him when he was alive.
I’m grateful for the casual employment I have in health care doing mental health peer support as up until last year, any profit from my art business had to go into supporting my basic needs as $900 (for years) and more recently $1400 a month (aka the provincial Persons with Disability income), is not enough money for anyone in this part of Canada to live off of. Now, my casual employment, alongside the government’s financial assistance, and the fact that I live in my parents basement suite so I have low rent and no utility/internet bills, has provided me with enough money to cover my basic needs, so the art business money can finally go back into the business. It’s my dream to earn enough to get off of financial assistance one day.
I’m not a sales person. I don’t want to manipulate people into buying my work. I encourage people to print my works off if they genuinely enjoy them but can’t afford a print as at the end of my life, that’s what matters most to me. I’m not here to sell hope, I offer it freely. I’ve given one on one peer support through my Art and Advocacy business for years, which no one pays me for. I do so because I have the time and I genuinely care about others. I want people to know that they’re not alone; that’s the point behind every bookmark I hand out—which cost me $0.50 a bookmark. It’s not about making sales. I invest in bookmarks versus business cards as I hope that people will keep them, use them, and that they may:
• Help people feel less alone.
• Remind or show people that recovery is possible—there is hope.
• Engage people in positive conversations around mental illness and addiction.
I never believed I would be where I am today, and yes, I acknowledge that to be where I am I’ve had and still have a lot of privileges and support. I ask myself over and over: What are these privileges and support worth if I don’t use them to help others have these same things?
I don’t know how to proceed. Do I stop calling myself a business and start calling myself a passion project? Will that give me the value and respect I know I deserve for the work I do? Do I need to become a non-profit for my work to be seen as valuable? Do I need to seek private investors who see the value I bring to the community, paying me for my time so I may continue to give away my services for free?
I don’t have the answer to these questions.
I did not attend the Paint-In yesterday as I chose to take the day off for self care. I do hope that everyone who participated had a wonderful experience, however. You were all absolutely deserving to be there, as were many others whom were turned down. It was a beautiful day out. I went sketching at the Oak Bay Marina in the morning, with the Victoria Urban Sketchers. Afterwards, I met a friend for lunch and then treated myself to my very first (highly affordable yet powerful) reiki/massage experience. My day was truly divine as I chose to make it so. Despite the big emotions that came up, I knew I could surf them just fine as I’ve learned that every challenge I face in life is merely an opportunity for growth.
I know that sometimes when it feels as if I’m being pulled back, I’m like an arrow, life is actually preparing to launch me forward. Every artist is different in what we bring to the world and we’re all equally valuable in what we do. For me, I don’t want to paint pretty pictures of flowers and sunsets. I want to use the whole of my work to challenge the norms of this society, causing people to question and think. At the end of my life I hope it’s the values I embodied that are remembered, not my name. A great leader doesn’t stand up and show you their strengths, they help you to see your own.
Recovery looks different to everyone yet it is not reserved for a special few, it’s within all of our reach. However, basic needs must to be met before the deeper issues can be addressed. If we’re not supporting people to get out poverty, we’re not supporting mental health.
If following my art and advocacy is not giving you hope, if it’s not prompting you to stop and think in ways that you perhaps never thought in before, then I am wholly failing at what I do and the lack of support makes sense. However, I don’t get the impression that that’s been true at all. So how do I proceed in using what gifts I have to lift myself and others out of poverty? To show that the arts are not only valuable, they’re a vital part of our survival in these turbulent and unhealthy times.
Let’s talk. Please contact me to add your thoughts into this conversation. We’re in this together. 🫂
Comments